O Church, Whom are You Pleasing?

O, church, whom are you pleasing? A good question, and a question that every church leader and every church member should ask themselves. Healthy and honest introspection is good. It is good to ask yourself hard questions about yourself. It is good to have a season of self-examination. This is true also for the church, and it should be done by its leaders and its members.

There is a catch phrase that I have heard and read over the last few years, and it is in context of "doing church." It is, "It is not about me." Now this is used to mean that the church service is not for church members, but for those whom the church is trying to reach...the seekers, the unconverted, the non-Christian. It is used as a reason or excuse for the church doing what it feels is necessary to reach the unchurched. It is the undergirding of the philosophy that drives how the church conducts itself, and in particular how it conducts its Sunday services.

Even though it is true that church is "not about me," the application of this truth has been misplaced. It has become "it is all about them," which refers to the unconverted and unchurched. What has been missed here? It is simply this: it is not about me, nor about us, nor even about them....it is about God and His Son, Jesus Christ, and His Holy Spirit.

We have taken the focus in our churches off of God, and placed it onto those who are ungodly. We have ceased focusing on pleasing God, and are now striving in every way imaginable (and there is great imagination used) to please those who are enemies of God. When God gives the command in Hebrews to not forsake the assembling of yourselves together, He did not mean for the church to come together so as to focus on those outside of its self, to focus on anyone other than Him. The minute that the church starts trying to entice the unbeliever, it must start seeking to please the unbeliever in order to draw him or her in; and must conduct its service so as to please them in order to bring them back.

The hard question the church (its leaders and members) must ask its self is this, "In the way we conduct our services have we placed pleasing the ungodly over pleasing God; in our attempts to not offend the ungodly are we offending God; in our attempts to attract the ungodly have we made ourselves unattractive to God?" Has the church placed its affection and adoration on the ungodly and taken it off of the Lord? This is a question that I am afraid is not getting asked.  

Here are a smattering of Scriptures that speak to this. Notice how unimportant man is in these references.

Isaiah 2:22 Stop regarding man, whose breath of life in in his nostrils; for why should he be esteemed. (O church, why regard man if there is no area, no arena, in which he can be esteemed in God's eyes?)
Isaiah 40:17 All the nations are as nothing before Him, they are regarded by Him as less than nothing and meaningless. (O church, even the nations are nothing compared against the great and mighty God who has given us life, breath, and all things!)
Psalm 144:3-4 O Lord, what is man, that you take knowledge of him?  Or the son of man, that You think of him?  Man is like a mere breath; his days are like a fleeting shadow. (O church, have you elevated man above where God has him?  Have you elevated man above God?)
I Corinthians 7:3 You were bought with a price; do not become the slaves of men. (O church, whom do you cater to?)
I Corinthians 8:6a yet for us there is but one God, the Father, from whom are all things and we exist for Him; and one Lord, Jesus Christ, by whom are all things and we exist through Him.
( O church, for whom are you existing?)
II Corinthians 5:9 Therefore, we also have as our ambition, whether at home or absent, to be pleasing to Him. (O church, is your highest ambition to please Him?)
I Thessalonians 2:4 But just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not as pleasing men, but God who examines our hearts. (Church leaders and members, if God examines your heart to see whom you are seeking to please, what would He find?)
Galatians 1:10 For am I now seeking the favor of men, or of God? or am I striving to please men?  If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a bond-servant of Christ. (O church, have you become the bond-servant/slave of the ungodly by trying to please them?  And in trying to do so have you left your first love and fallen to a lesser spiritual state?)
Leviticus 10:1-3 Now Nadab and Abihu, the sons of Aaron, took their respective firepans, and after putting fire in them, placed incense on  it and offered strange fire before the Lord, which He had not commanded them.  And fire came out from the presence of the Lord and consumed them, and they died before the Lord. Then Moses said to Aaron, "It is what the Lord spoke, saying, 'By those who come near Me I will be treated as holy, and before all the people I will be honored.'" (O church, by seeking to please the ungodly have you neglected to treat the Lord as holy before them?  In seeking to be attractive to men have you substituted honoring men over honoring the Lord?) 


In the final analysis, there is only One to please. As His body the church is to be a God-pleaser not a man-pleaser (Ephesians 6:6). Instead of trying to be pleasing to the ungodly the church should be teaching them what is required to please the Lord (Ephesians 5:10). O church, remember that it is the Lord Christ whom you serve, not man (Colossians 3:24). O church, examine yourself honestly and rigorously, and make sure you are living to please Him, for it is Him for whom you exist.

When Salvation Comes...Psalm 119:41-48

Psalm 119:41-48

When Salvation Comes

When Salvation Comes…God’s lovingkindnesses come to us

Vs 41 

"May Your lovingkindnesses also come to me, O Lord, Your salvation according to Your word."

Lovingkindness…hesed in the Hebrew, is one of my favorite words in the Scriptures. It is part of the Lord’s self-revelatory declaration in Exodus 34:6, "The Lord, compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in lovingkindness and truth." The Lord here not only declares that He possess lovingkindness, but that He abounds in it. It is a vastly rich and nuanced word and has a depth of meaning and a breadth of application as you can see through its use throughout the OT. 

What makes it this way, though, is pretty simple when we boil it down to its essence. Lovingkindness is God’s love in action. It is His love exhibited in and through His actions towards His own. It is His strength, mercy, compassion, grace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, steadfastness, commitment, gentleness, benevolence, truthfulness, and favor towards His children, those with whom He is in covenant. 

Of note here is the lovingkindnesses of salvation….plural….there are many that are part of salvation, included in our salvation, without which our salvation would not be complete….including salvation itself.  His lovingkindness for us starts with Him predestinating our salvation (Ephesians 1:4b-5) and continues on in a myriad of ways throughout this life and then on into eternity. God’s lovingkindnesses toward us are part and parcel of our salvation. They are for us and us only; they are not for those who have not come to Him through faith in Christ.

We see this very richly and wonderfully expressed in Ephesians 2:4-7 (all one sentence) But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, even when we were dead in our transgressions, made us alive together with Christ (by grace you have been saved), and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, so that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus.

When Salvation comes…it comes from God, and it comes according to His Word.

Vs 41

"May Your lovingkindnesses also come to me, O Lord, Your salvation according to Your word."

It is His salvation to give….salvation belongs to the Lord.

Psalm 3:8 Salvation belongs to the Lord; Your blessing be upon Your people.

Psalm 13:5 But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness; My heart shall rejoice in Your salvation.

Psalm 18:35 You have given me the shield of Your salvation, and Your right hand upholds me; and Your gentleness makes me great.

The Lord gives salvation in accordance with His word. He brings it through His word. We must depend on His word for the knowledge of salvation. We must believe, and therefore trust His word for salvation. His word is the basis of our faith His word is the means of salvation.

Romans 3:20…for through the Law comes the knowledge of sin.

Galatians 3:24 Therefore the Law has become our tutor to lead us to Christ….

Romans 10:13 So faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of Christ.

James 1:18 In the exercise of His will He brought us forth by the word of truth…

James 1:21…in humility receive the word implanted, which is able to save your souls.

II Timothy 3:15 and that from childhood you have know the sacred writings which are able to give you the wisdom that leads to salvation.

Ephesians 1:13…you also, after listening to the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation---having also believed

When Salvation comes….we have an answer when scorned or ridiculed for our faith

Vs 42

"So I will have an answer for him who reproaches me, for I trust in Your word."

I Peter 3:15-16 But sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence. And keep a good conscience so that in the thing in which you are slandered, those who revile your good behavior in Christ will be put to shame.

Colossians 4:6 Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person.

Our ready response is our testimony, the reality of our personal experience with the lovingkindnesses of God, His mercy, goodness, faithfulness, kindness, forgiveness, gentleness, wisdom, compassion, power, grace, protection, and provision…His love in action that comes with salvation….His promises made real to you…for you…in your life. 

Your answer is your personal experience of the realities of salvation and how they have proven His word. Your personal testimony of God’s truth made true in your life is the ready defense of your faith.

When salvation comes….so does our trust in His Word

Vs 42

"So I will have an answer for him who reproaches me, for I trust in Your word."

We cannot separate our trust in the Lord, from our trust in His word. To trust Him, is to trust His Word.  To trust His Word is to trust Him. We understand implicitly, that man does not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God. In fact, our trust in His word becomes part of our testimony.

Titus 1:2…we have a God who cannot lie

Numbers 23:19 God is not a man that He should lie, nor a son of man, that He should repent; has he said and will He not do it?  Or has He spoken, and will He not make it good?

Jeremiah 1:12 Then the Lord said to me, "You have seen well, for I am standing over My word to perform it.

Proverbs 16:20 He who gives attention to the word will find good, and blessed is he who trusts in the Lord.

When salvation comes….so does hope and encouragement through His word

Vs 43

"And do not take the word of truth utterly out of my mouth, for I wait for Your ordinances."

Romans 15:4-5 For whatever was written in earlier times was written for our instruction, so that through perseverance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope.  Now may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement

Romans 15:13 Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that you will abound in hope by the Holy Spirit.

Hebrews 12:5 and you have forgotten the exhortation which is addressed to you as sons, My Son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor faint when you are reproved by Him.

Hebrews 13:22 But I urge you, brethren, bear with this word of exhortation, for I have written to you briefly.

Paul speaks of his preaching of the gospel as encouragement…I Thessalonians 2:3 for our exhortation does not come from error or impurity or by way of deceit;

Psalm 119:9-12….33-40

Psalm 94:19 When my anxious thoughts multiply within me, Your consolations delight my soul.

To exhort someone is to speak to the need of the moment, and the dynamic of the living Word of the living God is that Scripture always speaks to the need of the moment.

When salvation comes…….so does perseverance in the word

Vs 44

"So I will keep Your law continually, forever and ever."

II Thessalonians 2:15 So then, brethren, stand firm and hold to the traditions which you were taught, whether by word of mouth or by letter from us.

Titus 1:9 holding fast to the faithful word which is accordance with the teaching…..

I Corinthians 11:1-2 Be imitators of me, just as I also am of Christ Now I praise you because you remember me in everything and hold firmly to the traditions, just as I delivered them to you

We hold fast to the Lord, by holding fast to His word.  When we abandon His word, we abandon Him.

Psalm 119:11a Your word I have treasured in my heart...

We persevere in the Word because it is not just in the mind as part of our intellect, but is in the heart as part of our will. 

When salvation comes…….so does freedom that the word brings

Vs 45-46

"And I will walk at liberty, for I seek Your precepts. I will also speak of Your testimonies before kings and shall not be ashamed."

Galatians 5:1 It was for freedom that Christ set us free….

John 8:32 and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.

James 1:25 But one who looks intently at the perfect law, the law of liberty, and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but an effectual doer, this man will be blessed in what he does.

James 2:12 So speak and so act as those who are to be judged by the law of liberty.

I Peter 2:16 Act as free men, and do not use your freedom as a covering for evil, but use it as bondslaves of God.

II Corinthians 3:17 Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty

When salvation comes…..so does a love for His word….which causes you to

            Delight in His Word

Revere His Word

Meditate on His word

 

Vs 47-48

"I shall delight in Your commandments, which I love. And I shall lift up my hands to Your commandments, which I love; and I will meditate on Your statutes."

Delight…to take joy or enjoyment….to take pleasure in…to receive pleasure from….

Psalm 119:140 Your word is very pure, therefore your servant loves it. 

Psalm 119:167 My soul keeps your testimonies, and I love them exceedingly.

Job 23:11-12 My foot has held fast to His path; I have kept His way and not turned aside I have not departed from the command of His lips; I have treasured the words of His mouth more than my necessary food.

Jeremiah 15:16 Your words were found and I ate them, and Your words became for me a joy and the delight of my heart...

Ezekiel 3:3 He said to me, "Son of man, feed your stomach and fill your body with this scroll which I am giving you."  Then I ate it, and it was sweet as honey in my mouth.

Lift up my hands...to give honor to, to revere  

Psalm 138:2 I will bow down toward Your holy temple and give thanks to Your name for Your lovingkindness and your truth; for You have magnified Your word according to all Your name.

Psalm 56:4, 10 In God, whose word I praise, in God I have put my trust…In God, whose word I praise, in the Lord whose word I praise.

Isaiah 42:21 The Lord was pleased for His righteousness sake to make the law great and glorious.

Meditate...to ponder, to consider, to apply, to think long and deeply on

Psalm 119:15 I will meditate on Your precepts and regard Your ways

Psalm 1:1-2 How blessed is the man who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked, nor stand in the path of sinners, nor sit in the seat of scoffers! But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night.

When you meditate on His word, you are approaching Scripture to learn from it, and you receive its counsel, you let it counsel you.

When salvation comes, your relationship with God changes, and your relationship with His word changes. The Word is no longer foreign and unknown, but becomes cherished and an integral part of your life. In fact, this new relationship with His word is one of the many lovingkindnesses of our salvation. It is one of the many blessings of God.

Feeding to Heal

...Pastors are the conduit through which God often brings his healing salve to people's spiritual and emotional wounds (Eph 4:11-16). To do this, we must "feed the sheep"; that is, we must constantly communicate the truth of God in a manner that addresses and brings healing to the spiritual struggles that people face. We bring this healing not through programs but through the proclamation of God's word.

Glenn Daman

Leading the Small Church

The Purpose of Leadership

Page 116

Self-abasement or Self-elevation

...The greatest deception of the evil one is that we are not in desperate need of God's infinite grace and forgiveness.  We believe that we are inherently good and acceptable before a righteous God.  We've been taught for so long about the importance of having a healthy self-image, we've forgotten that we must think rightly about God before we can think rightly about ourselves.  We have forgotten that self-abasement rather than self-elevation is the first step toward spirituality and spiritual wholeness (James 4:10; I Peter 5:6).

Glenn Daman
Leading the Small Church
The Purpose of Leadership
Page 115

Obedience and Dependence

Obedience and dependence go hand in hand.

You cannot have one without the other!

The Way of Sacrifice

...To see Christ as having offered the perfect sacrifice that brings us salvation is not to enter a realm cheap grace.  It does not mean that we offer no sacrifice.  It means that our sacrifice is of a different order.  It is not atoning, but a costly response to a sacrifice that is atoning.

The way of salvation is a way of sacrifice.  That means basically that it is the sacrifice of Christ that takes away sins once and for all.  But it also means that those for whom the sacrifice was offered live sacrificially.  They offer their bodies 'as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God' (Rom 12:1).  Paul speaks of himself as being made a sacrifice in the service of other Christians (Phil 2:17) and he refers to the gifts the Philippian Christians sent him as 'a fragrant offering, an acceptable sacrifice, pleasing to God' (Phil 4:18).  The writer of Hebrews refers to a sacrifice of praise--the fruit of lips that confess his name' and he speaks of doing good and sharing with others as sacrifices with which God is well pleased (Heb 13:15-16).  Peter is another who sees Christians as offering 'spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ' (I Pet 2:5).  Clearly there is an important element of sacrifice in the service that Christians are expected to render to God.

Leon Morris
The Atonement
Page 65

His Word and Our Life

To live for the Lord, is but to live by His Word.

To bring Him glory is accomplished by living by His Word.

Praying for His will is asking that His word be lived out in our lives..

Having perfect freedom is being a doer of His Word.

It is His Word that keeps us on the path to life.

The Simplicity of Trusting in God

We cannot separate our trust in the Lord, from our trust in His word.  

To trust Him, is to trust His Word.  To trust His Word is to trust Him.  

We understand implicitly, that man does not live by bread alone, 

but by every word that proceeds out of the mouth of God.  

Spurgeon and the Gospel

...I do not believe that we preach the Gospel unless

we preach the sovereignty of God in His dispensation

of grace; nor unless we exalt the electing, unchangeable,

eternal, immutable, conquering love of Jehovah...

Charles Spurgeon

as quoted in 

The Gospel Focus of Charles Spurgeon

by

Steven Lawson

Page 38

The Other Prodigal...Luke 15:11-32

I think most are familiar with the story of the prodigal son, how he took his portion from his father and spent it foolishly on satisfying his own pleasures.  He wound up in a far country, far from his father, destitute and feeding swine, when he finally came to his senses and came home in repentance and faith; and upon arriving was greeted joyously by his father.

This great story is a powerful illustration of the love, forgiveness, and joyous acceptance of our heavenly Father for those who will come to Him, and perfectly illustrates what Christ was saying in Luke 15:7 (...there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance); which is why the story included two brothers.

The older brother, is the other prodigal.  He was religious and self-righteous, but a prodigal none the less.  Spiritually, he was in a far country and he was just as far away from the father as his younger brother, even though he physically remained near the father.  Even though he served the father he was just as dead and just as lost as the younger brother.  The difference is that the younger brother saw his moral bankruptcy and his unworthiness to come before his father, while the older brother saw himself as righteous and deserving because of his service, the performance of his duty.

The father's response to the older brother when the older brother confronted him about his deserving a party because of all the years he had served him is telling.  The father's response was, "Son, you have always been with me, and all that I have is yours."  What the father is telling the older is this, "All that I have is yours, you have but to ask to receive, but you have not."  You see, self-righteous and religious people never see the need to ask God for eternal life, never see the need for repentance, never see the need to ask for forgiveness or salvation,  because they think they have earned it on their own. Their self-righteousness has blinded them to their spiritual bankruptcy, and has led them to believe their spiritual coffers are full because of their own merits.

The tragedy in this story is that the older brother was so near, yet so far away.  Near enough to ask, but too far away to see his need.  So, yes, there is another prodigal in this story.  The prodigal who never left home, but was always far away.  This problem was not just for the religious Jews of the day, but is a problem for the religious in every age.  How about you, my friends, are you depending on your own merits, your religious service, or your religious performance?  Or are you depending on the merits of Christ, His performance, and His righteousness as your substitute before God?  Have you come to God in repentance, and faith in the person of Christ and His finished work on the cross as your only plea before Him?  Come to Him today, as the prodigal in this story...admit your unworthiness, and your moral bankruptcy.  Do as the prodigal did and throw yourself upon the mercy and compassion of the Father.  For if you do, He will run to greet you, as He is ready to forgive and will joyously receive you.

Luther's Insight into the Gospel

Luther's real insight was to realize

that the gospel was not about looking

inward to self in order to find a basis

for God's acceptance, but about looking

outwards to the great saving act of God

in Christ as the only way in which the 

sinner might come to the Father.

Carl Trueman

Reformation:

Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

Page 103

Another Way to Look at "I will never forsake you."

...for He Himself has said,
"I will never desert you,

nor will I ever forsake you."

Hebrews 13:5b

NASB

This verse, and its parallels in Deuteronomy 31 and Joshua 1, is most visibly demonstrated in the incarnation.  God came to earth as man, Immanuel--God with us, God among us, God sharing our condition, God fully identifying with us in our humanity and its lowliness, our humanity and its loneliness, our humanity and its sorrows, our humanity and its temptations, our humanity and its limitations, our humanity and its weaknesses, our humanity and its sadness, our humanity and its pains, our humanity and its desires, our humanity and its death.  

In the incarnation, God deliberately and purposefully became one with us.  And if He intentionally became so identified with us, why would He ever leave us?  One of the benefits of the incarnation is that it is a ground of our assurance before God.

The Attack of Sin

Sin attacks humanity at its very foundations, at the level of what motivates us and what ends we strive for; it shapes the very structures of society and of the philosophies which justify those structures; it strives continually to remake us in its own image; and unless we can see the difference between the kind of values instilled into us by the world and those which the Bible would have us develop, we are doomed to be forever caught in a web of worldliness that dishounors God.

Carl Trueman
Reformation: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow
Page 57

Being Thankful

When you are out and about in your daily life and you look at the lostness of the people around you and sense their spiritual darkness and see their spiritual blindness, it should cause you to be thankful for your own salvation.  You had nothing more to offer God than those lost in the darkness of their own sin; and, in fact, you were just as lost in the darkness of your own sin until the Lord shined the light of the gospel into your heart and the One who is the Light came and took up residence in your heart.  Your inner man was just as dead and lifeless without God and without hope, and without the spark of eternal life until the Holy Spirit moved upon you and you were born again to a living hope.

It is He, the One who has created all things and holds all things together, whose throne stands alone in the heavens, who has declared the end from the beginning who has called you with a holy calling and adopted you as his sons and daughters to be His heirs alongside His only begotten Son, and has given you His kingdom as your inheritance, that loves you who was as unlovable, rebellious, and just as much His enemy as those around you who are now His enemies.  It is He, the One who stretched out the heavens, laid the foundation of the earth, calls each star by name, and has formed your spirit within you and fashioned your heart....Yes, it is this very One who has loved you with the same love with which He loves His Son, who has placed you into Christ, raised you up from death with Him, has seated you in the heavenly places with Him, and who will pour out the riches of His grace upon you for all eternity.  This is the One who has lavished upon you all the lovingkindnesses of salvation while you were so undeserving.

Thinking about the greatness and wonder of our salvation, and understanding that the only thing that separates us from the myriads around us every day who are lost in their sins, is the love of God for us, should elicit the most profound thanksgiving from the very depths of our being.  Thank You Lord!  Thank You Lord! Thank You Lord! It is not enough, but all that we can say.  Let us enter into His courts with abundant praise, and His gates with joyous thanksgiving this Lord's day as we ponder anew the greatness and wonder of His saving us.

We Need Grace

We need grace, grace in abundance, because we have been called to do the impossible...to be like God, and commanded to do the impossible...love Him with all our heart, soul, and strength; to love our neighbor as our self; and to love one another as Christ loved us.  We are to be holy as He is holy, to walk as He walked in Christ, to be imitators of God and Christ, to not return evil for evil or insult for insult, to walk the extra mile, to turn the other cheek, to treat others as we would have them treat us, to live as He would live, to love as He loves, to put others ahead of ourselves, to say no to each and every temptation, to live for Him and not ourselves, to put Him ahead of all others, to please Him and not ourselves, to do all that we do for His glory and proclaim His excellencies.

Fortunately, what God requires, He supplies; and He does that in and through grace...this is the essence of grace.  In Romans 5:2 we see that we stand in grace.  In Romans 5:17 we learn that we have been given an abundance of grace.  In Romans 5:20 we understand that where sin abounds grace abounds all the more.  In I Timothy 1:14 we see the Lord's grace is more than abundant with the faith and love found in Christ Jesus.  In II Corinthians 9:8 we see that God is able to make all grace abound to us; and in II Corinthians 12:9 we learn that His grace is always sufficient as His power is perfected in our weaknesses.  In II Corinthians 3:5-6 we discover that our adequacy is from God as He has made us adequate as servants of the new covenant.  In Philippians 4:13 we see we can do all things in Christ who strengthens us.  In II Peter 1:2 God reveals that grace is multiplied to us in the knowledge of Him and His Son, the Lord Jesus Christ.  In Ephesians 2:8 we have the truth that we are saved by grace.

Yes, friends, we need grace to make it.  We need grace to do and to be all that God has called us to do and to be.  Thanks be to God who has lavished the riches of His grace upon us so that we can be all that He has called us to be, so that His purpose will be accomplished in us.

Pastoral Counseling--Marital

In the last post about pastoral counseling I talked about identifying the core sin in the life of the person who has come in for counseling, and how important it was to identify it quickly. Again, I am certainly not holding myself out as an expert on marital counseling, but the same approach should be used in marital counseling as well. However, in most cases, when counseling about marital issues-which are really relationship issues-you will find two sins that tend to be the core sins in most instances. They are selfishness and unforgiveness, and they seem to be at the root of most of the marital/relationship issues that I have encountered.

Let's face it, we are all selfish pigs to one degree or another, or in one area or another. You have your area(s) and I have mine. We have all brought our areas of selfishness and selfish attitudes into our marriage relationships, and when selfishness exists and is not dealt with or given up, then conflicts are a natural result. Selfishness is a relationship inhibitor, and extreme selfishness is a relationship destroyer. James speaks to the origin and destructive power of selfishness in 3:13-4:3 of his epistle. What I have found during the years is that selfishness is at the root of most marital conflicts. Whenever you come across the-"I want my way!"-"I want what I want when I want it!" attitude during the counseling sessions, then understand you are staring selfishness in the face; but realize that it is also expressed in much subtler ways; and when you uncover the selfishness you may also discover that the ways that were used as a child to get what was wanted accompany the selfishness into the relationship. 

How do you deal with selfishness when you find it during the counseling sessions?

1. Identify it, and point it out. Many times the people you are counseling are so used to being selfish, they won't realize their own selfishness unless someone points it out.

2.  Call it what it is...sin, and get them to acknowledge that it is sin. Use the verses in James to show where it comes from and its destructive effects.

3.  Go to Philippians 2:3-7 to show them selfishness has no place in the life of the believer, and that we are commanded not to be selfish.

4.  Take them to I Corinthians 13:5...love does not seek its own...to show them that selfishness is an expression of a lack of love, and that love is the higher way.

5. Use II Corinthians 8:9, Romans 15:2-3, Philippians 2:3-5 to show them the attitude that Christ had, and as such it is to be our attitude.

Will following these steps automatically solve the conflict? No, because selfishness is so ingrained in us that it is hard to root out; but if the people you are counseling want to be more like Christ, want to grow in their faith, and truly want the conflict(s) resolved, this will start them down the right path.

Unforgiveness is the other sin that causes much damage in marital relationships. Who of us has not been wounded in one way or the other by words, actions, inactions, or attitudes of our spouse? Who of us has not wounded our spouse by our words, actions, inactions, or attitudes? What brings healing to these situations? Confession and forgiveness; and ultimately it is not the confession that brings the healing, but the forgiveness by the one offended, regardless of whether the offending party has confessed and apologized or not. Unforgiveness is the root of bitterness (Hebrews 12:15) and just as the verse points out, it defiles many as bitterness leads to wrath, anger, clamor, slander, and malice (Ephesians 4:30), which are always destructive forces in a relationship.

How do you deal with unforgiveness?  Actually, this one is usually easier to spot and point out as most people know when they are being unforgiving.

1. Just as in steps one and two above, unforgivness must be identified and called for what it is...a sin.

2. Take them to Matthew 6:12-15 and Matthew 18:21-35 to show them God's view toward their unforgiveness, His command to forgive, and their personal consequences (in addition to the marital conflict) of being unforgiving.

3. Take them to Hebrews 12:15 and Ephesians 4:30-31 to show how unforgiveness not only grieves the the Holy Spirit of God, but how it will poison and defile them and others.

4. Show them in Ephesians 4:30 and Colossians 3:12-13 that we are expected to be as forgiving towards others as Christ was/is toward us.

5. Use I Peter 4:8 and I Corinthians 13:5 to show the power of love over unforgiveness, and again that love is the higher way, and since we have the immeasurable love of God already in our heart (Romans 5:5), we have God's love and therefore God's capacity to forgive.

Are there other issues surrounding and connected with selfishness and unforgiveness? Sure there are, but until you uncover and point out these two issues, you cannot begin to deal with the other issues connected with them; and dealing with these first will make unraveling the other issues easier.

Additionally, we should always watch our attitude and demeanor when counseling. Remember, we are to speak the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15), not in self righteousness, not in a condemning way, not to put them down, but to correct them and reprove them for the benefit of their marriage and their relationship with the Lord; and if you can't say it in love, maybe it shouldn't be said until you can. Truth is confrontational and cuts to the quick, so speaking the truth in love both wounds and heals; and when the people you are counseling know that you love them and have their best at heart, they will be much more willing to receive what you have to say. Remember, your counseling them is ultimately to further their growing up in all aspects into Him.

Pastoral Counseling--Foundational

I am not going to hold myself out as an expert in counseling here, but I do want to share a bit of wisdom gained from dealing with people, over the years, with their various problems and concerns. I don't want to call it a short-cut per se, but it does get to the heart of the matter, and the sooner you can get the heart of the matter the better it is for all concerned, and it involves three components.

First, identify the sin at the root of the issue. Remember, all issues are ultimately spiritual issues, and there is always a sin at the core of each issue. Sometimes the core sin has led to other sins, and you must cut through these sins to find the core sin, the sin that is begetting the other sins. For example, one of the most frequent of the other sins is lying, which is occurring  to cover up the core sin. Another example is that many times when someone has been sinned against, it isn't the being sinned against (slander, abuse, defrauding, swindling, etc) that is the issue; but it is the unforgiveness (toward the perpetrator or God, or both) in the victim that is the core sin. Go after finding that core sin like a heat-seeking missile, because it will be the key to bringing healing and closure to the issue.

Second, determine if the person you are counseling is willing to deal with the core sin, willing to confess it as sin, willing to renounce it and repent from it, and willing to let it go. If they are not willing to confess it as sin, and/or deal with the sin, then no amount of counseling will help them. Many people who are unwilling to deal with their sin, are what I call chronic counselees; and much like the women in II Timothy 3:7 who are always learning, but are never able to come to the knowledge of the truth, these people (men and women) are always in counseling, but are never able to achieve healing. Pornography comes to mind, in that many who are involved will admit that it is a sin, but never come to the point where they are wanting and willing to let it go. Unforgiveness is also a sin that many are not willing to confess or deal with.

Finally, many times the primary issue is a salvation issue, and we also see this many times in those who are chronic counselees. There are many who think they are a Christian, who claim to be a Christian, but are not. These people do not have the spiritual capacity to understand Biblical counseling, nor do they have the spiritual capacity to obey the Scriptures (I Corinthians 2:12-16, Romans 8:5-8), and therefore cannot apply the Scriptures to their life and situation. In counseling you need to try and determine where the person is spiritually, so do not start off assuming the person is a Christian. Even though I have listed this last, it something that should be paramount in your mind as you begin the counseling process. A good healthy dose of the gospel during the counseling process is good for all, both saved and unsaved. For the saved it is a reminder of what God and Christ have done for them and their standing before them, and for the unsaved it is the key to begin the process of healing that starts with their very own soul (Jeremiah 17:4).

There are many complicated emotional and mental issues that people are dealing with, and I am not making light of them; however, most often, we find that the issues are understood and can be resolved by determining where the people are in relation to the components I have mentioned above.

By His Word

He created by His Word.

Genesis 1

He rules by His Word.

Isaiah 55:10-11

Jeremiah 1:12

He sustains all things by His Word.

Hebrews 1:3

Our Choices

As Christians, our choices should

lead to ever increasing holiness.

Being Under the Influence

One thing we can be sure of:  If we do not actively seek to come under the influence of God's Word, we will come under the influence of sinful society around us.  The impact of our culture with its heavy emphasis on materialism, living for one's self, and instant gratification is simply too strong and pervasive for us to not be influenced by it.  Once again, there is no such thing as a neutral stance on the continuum of influence.  We are being drawn more and more under the transforming influence of Scripture, or we are being progressively drawn into the web of an ungodly society around us.

Jerry Bridges

The Discipline of Grace

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